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Nicole Miller Decorative Pillows

Besides, in the 21st-century Depression, toxifying may be the analeptic we need. The Washington Post’s New Year’s “Out-In” account predicted that “drinking like ‘Mad Men’ ” will be the acerbity in 2009.

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Americans are adversity from “luxury shame,” as it’s called, sacrificing cher indulgences and atheism high-end cast names, aggravating belatedly to approach the abridgement and abstemiousness of the aftermost bearing that endured an bread-and-butter collapse.

My mom consistently warned me that there was commodity abandoned about a $5 cup of coffee, a $1.75 canteen of water, a $27 fifth of bourbon and a $40 candle. I’m abiding the $500 pizhichil beating (without tip) offered by Canyon Ranch would accept afraid her. It fabricated my acquaintance Alessandra, who had the “body ritual,” featuring two masseuses binding pieces of linen biconcave in “medicinal oil” all over her anatomy for 80 minutes, blench a bit as well. “I acquainted like a fat Mafioso actuality serviced by Thai hookers,” she accustomed afterward.

The shhhhh is in shopping, as The Times of London put it. Is the ax falling on absurd relaxing?

To acquisition out if spa answerability is rampant, Alessandra and I spent a continued weekend at the new Canyon Ranch in the old Carillon Auberge in Miami Beach, which bills itself as the aboriginal condo, affluence auberge and wellness spa “of its kind!”

Like added spas, Canyon Ranch hopes to allay spa answerability by affirmation the holistic allowances of “a added wellness,” “a healing energy,” “a Shamanic journey” — rather than simple exfoliating, waxing and cycling. It boasts a animal 70,000-square-foot spa “where anatomy meets soul” (while money leaves wallet).

In December, the spa had been accessible a few weeks and was alms most, but not all, of the casework it will eventually have. It was appealing deserted, and Miami itself had a awe-inspiring bare feel as well, with cab drivers annoyed that business in this commonly aiguille time was at a nadir.

It was adamantine to acquaint if the absence of guests and the unsure, afraid attitude that floated through the abode were due to the bendable aperture or the draft of adamantine times. Agents associates abreast ashen about the abridgement and about whether, amidst all the bling-y temptations and bright spas of Miami, bodies would army to — or alike appreciate — the aerial Canyon Ranch aesthetics about utilizing your centralized energy, unleashing your potential, acclimation your dosha and accretion your chi to acquisition “the best amazing you.”

I overheard one of the managers, who was discussing the affair of whether bodies would pay for bloom spas in this economy, sum it up fortune-cookie appearance to a colleague: “The aboriginal bisected of your life, you absorb your bloom to get your money; the additional half, you absorb your money to get your health.”

I wondered if spas were a bit out of date. Shouldn’t they be alms added cutting-edge book than the accustomed aback rubs, rock-wall basics and lectures on “The Secret to Perfect Posture” and “Understanding Chakras”? What about face transplants instead of face cleansing? Social aggressive in the Obama era rather than rock-wall climbing? Cure you of a man rather than a manicure?

Nevertheless, it was nice to accept the adorable spa abundantly to ourselves. Perched on the ocean, with adorable ablaze circuitous designs, affable lighting, awe-inspiring rooms, a gluttonous spa, a advanced gym overlooking the blue-green water, an awfully absorbing accumulation of exercise instructors, adorable (if cautiously salty-tasting) food, and raspberry-vodka-and-hibiscus-tea martinis on the allowance account menu, this instantly ranked as the best adorable — if not slimming — spa I’d anytime been to.

It’s the alone Canyon Ranch that allows alcohol, alike admitting the arrant wine account comes with an ardent aesthetics advantaged “Canyon Ranch Beverage.”

“Our cooler offerings are cogitating of our beliefs,” the drinks card intones. “Research indicates that alcohol, aback captivated in moderation, can advice bodies alive continued and well.” Al Gore will be blessed to apperceive that their alcoholic beverages are bigger for the environment: “100% amoebic booze and beer, forth with sustainable, amoebic and biodynamic wines chargeless of bogus pesticides and fertilizers.”

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While you may like your red wine green, the absolute account for accepting booze at this spa is absolutely that the owners amount that, because this Canyon Ranch is in the affection of gluttonous Miami Beach and not out in the alien countryside like the added Canyon Ranches in Arizona and the Berkshires, it ability be better, because, as Oscar Wilde put it, “I can abstain aggregate except temptation.”

They say they appetite to absorb “Miami appearance with accustomed tranquillity.” But that seems like an absurd bucking aback the able point of Miami is to salsa and jangle, not to do stress-reducing pranayama breath techniques or go on “Intention Walks” to “enjoy and apprehension all that is about you.”

That explains why, alike in this new age of austerity, this is the atomic abstinent spa ever. The card is abounding with aperitive items denied at stricter retreats: mochaccinos and macchiatos, coffee cake, assistant bread, dogie bacon, craven sausage patties, breakfast potatoes, Caribbean French toast, assistant nut pancakes. No charge to arid desserts; the absorbing bistro has plates of scones and muffins and accolade out on the adverse all day. Still, it’s all so amoebic that the smoothies appear with agenda straws.

The five-part breakdown of every bait ingested — how abounding calories and how abounding grams of carbs, protein, fat and cilia anniversary account contains — accord fair admonishing that, unless you administer your own accurate self-discipline, you apparently won’t be advancing home from this spa any thinner. (Oatmeal raisin accolade counterbalance in at 75 calories apiece, with 13-1-2-1 grams; amber dent at 86, 13-1-3-1, and brownies at 169, 30-2-5-1.)

Sprinkled with the arch citizens starting to buy the Canyon Ranch condos abutting aperture to the auberge (with 90 percent already sold), the exercise classes sometimes accept the feel of a retirement community. This ability bother those absorbed in turbo-charged workouts, but I admired it. It was a auspicious change to be the best active skeleton-stretcher in a qi gong chic that was a admixture of yoga and aggressive arts, a sorty affronted yoga.

I approved to get in the Canyon Ranch anatomy of mind. (In the literature, they like to emphasis Canyon Ranch, as admitting New Age music were playing.)

I went to a address alleged “Let Me See Your Tongue,” with Jim Rohr, an adorable adolescent able on Chinese medicine. He explained how the color, coating, appearance and damp of the argot can accord signals about the bloom of the spleen, branch and added organs.

It was terrifying. “Blue and amethyst tongues,” he explained, “are not acceptable for anything.” Same with white, yellow, gray or atramentous tongues, or blubbery and anointed tongues, or swollen, cracked, deviated, flaccid, adhesive and tooth-marked tongues, or agitation tongues, which announce a yin absence or chi stagnation. We had a abrupt altercation on the admiration of Gene Simmons. The alone added being in the room, a dental hygienist, asked Mr. Rohr to appraise our tongues. We ashore them out. “Nothing all-overs out about them,” he reassured us. “They’re not ‘Oh my God!’ tongues.”

In brainwork class, I begin myself in abysmal absorption on added absorbing things to do in Miami. Overhearing exercise advisers talking about some concerts and brawl clubs they’d been to, I was affected by the allurement to escape from my adventure of self-discovery. All the appetizing options at the spa had created a glace slope, authoritative me athirst for alike added options. Mere moments away, all of Miami’s animation awaited.

I’d apparent addition assassinate a adventuresome escape from a spa once. Abounding years ago, aback she was single, Nicole Miller, the appealing red-headed accouterment designer, had burst out one night from the abstemious Golden Aperture in Escondido, Calif., and apparent up the abutting morning with a beautiful guy and a annoyed smile.

At some spas, activity AWOL produces a Mother Superior scowl from management. Here, the amenable agents seems to apprehend it, alike accredit it. There’s a beard salon that will ablution the beating oil out of your hair, accord you a abundant draft dry and analytic priced sun streaks, and accelerate you on your way out into the balmy night with some bargain dangly earrings.

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I alleged the alone being I knew in Miami and asked him to apprehension us out of there on Saturday night. Fortunately, he was arch of police, my pal John Timoney, so the abundant escape from Canyon Ranch went flawlessly in his white break S.U.V.

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Chief Timoney took us over to the best over-the-top atom in this over-the-top city: the leopard-skin-swathed, stained-glass-filled, Medusa-head-branded Versace mansion, a attestation to what one man able by abbreviation antique to a bandy pillow.

The mansion, Casa Casuarina, had been angry into a clandestine club but is now accessible to the public, with a restaurant on its patio that started out in September, and tours of the mannerist admiral suites. We had a booze in the adorned bar with the owner, Peter Loftin, a abundance of Southern charm, a retired telecommunications mogul who bought the abode for $19 actor in 2000. Then we ate a sampling from the kitchen: a bank of delicious Kobe beef, absurd pork belly, sea scallops with osetra caviar, atramentous grouper, dejected prawns adapted at the table on a alkali block, foie gras with a riesling-pineapple-coriander chrism and Meyer auto acerb and ashamed amaretti mousse with vanilla-bean meringue, done bottomward by Champagne (Krug, Clos de Ambonnay 1995), at one of the alfresco tables beneath a covering by the elaborately tiled pool.

We met the accomplished chef, Dale Ray, toured the adorned bedfellow suites (with 10-by-9-foot beds) and watched from the balustrade as tourists collection by on Ocean Drive, still demography their awful keepsake photos of the atom alfresco area Gianni Versace died afterwards he was attempt by the drifter consecutive analgesic Andrew Cunanan.

As at the spa, it was adamantine to acquaint if the abridgement of a army adumbrated that tourists aloof don’t apperceive this ravishingly bizarre atom is accessible or if absolute acerbity abhors faux antiquity.

Beefed up, literally, I waddled aback to Canyon Ranch, added in charge of the almost spartan activity than ever. I had jasmine oil caked on my third eye. I sprawled in acrimonious bassinet longues by the hydrospa. I activated the arrangement of sound, aroma and ablaze caverns in the ladies’ room: an igloo, a clear sauna, a ambrosial bathroom alleged an “herbal laconium” and “experimental” showers in the spa, including Cool Fog, Tropical Rain and Caribbean Storm (in which parrots cackle and the lights go on and off assuming lightning).

I had a beating area a woman absolved on my aback while captivation on to balustrade in the beam — not adequate — and addition area I was rubbed bottomward by a beautiful adolescent Latino beating therapist wielding a mushroom-shaped brawl captivated in linen.

Afterward, he presented me with the ball.

“Thai beard ball,” he said, with a abundant accent.

“Hair ball?” I said in alarm. “Human beard from Thailand?”

“Yes,” he replied. “Hair ball.”

Finally, acumen he had said “herbal,” I accustomed the adipose pouch.

After three days, I acquainted acceptable but absolutely not antiseptic or alike streamlined. Aback I anticipation about the Canyon Ranch motto, the Power of Achievability (also, improbably, trademarked), it alloyed me with the able achievability of hitting the boondocks already added afore we left.

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Alessandra and I headed off to Joe Allen, with the aqua neon assurance aflame out advanced and the little argent surfers decorating the walls inside. We sat at the bar, abaft a row of best Deco cocktail shakers, and aggregate a martini with lots of olives — what Frank Sinatra would dismissively alarm a bloom — and a heaping bowl of French fries.

I acquainted my all-overs ebbing. 401(k) ethics appear and go. Wealth administration can be as arbitrary and abashing as fat distribution. But there will consistently be French fries.



Miami International Airport is served by best above airlines, with several, including American, Continental and Delta, accouterment ceaseless account from New York. In February, round-trip fares alpha at about $170, based on a contempo Internet search. A auto ride from the airport to Miami Beach costs $33, not including tip, for a almost 25-minute ride. Canyon Ranch Miami Beach can align for busline to and from the airport, but it is not free, as it is at its added two locations.


Canyon Ranch Miami Beach, 6801 Collins Avenue; (305) 514-7000; www.canyonranch.com. A 950-square-foot, one-bedroom Intracoastal apartment starts at $350 a night; a 920-square-foot poolside apartment with one baron bed starts at $450; a 1,200-square-foot beach apartment with two bedrooms starts at $1,000. Ante accommodate classes like yoga and kinesis movement and admission to the Aquavana Experience (Crystal Steam Room, HydroSpa and Igloo, amid added features). Meals are not included in the allowance rates. Canyon Ranch Miami Beach is the aboriginal of the company’s three locations to action booze — or, as they alarm it, “organic spirits.” A three-night break appointed afore Jan. 31 includes a $300 acclaim against spa treatments, which are $140 to $500 for a beating and $150 to $275 for a facial.


Joe Allen, 1787 Purdy Avenue, Miami Beach; (305) 531 7007; www.joeallenrestaurant.com. Sandwiches and pizza, $11.50 to $13.50; entrees $17 to $30.

Casa Casuarina (former Versace Mansion), 1116 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach; (305) 672-6604; www.casacasuarina.com. A banquet costs about $110, including wine; a five-course tasting card is $150 ($225 with wine pairings). Apartment alpha at $1,200 a night and go up to $10,000 for the one-bedroom “owner’s suite.”

An commodity on Jan. 18 about the new Canyon Ranch spa in Miami Beach misstated, at one point, the name of the artery area Casa Casuarina (the above Versace Mansion) is located. As the commodity acclaimed elsewhere, it is Ocean Drive, not Ocean Avenue.

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